"Moving Too Fast" - The Last Five Years

I feel like my life right now is on the fast track in every aspect. It is so hard to believe that with my last pregnancy, I was counting the minutes and seconds while I was held as a prisoner in the hospital on bed rest. Crossing out each day on my calendar and feeling like time was standing still. I became a human incubator confined to a hospital bed with only walking privileges to get up to use the bathroom. Flash forward two years and now I can barely keep up with the tremendous amount of changes and to-do lists that bombard me each day. It took a little bit of time for my husband and I to recover from the shock of becoming pregnant unexpectedly but we quickly knew that with this new baby, we needed to make certain changes to accommodate becoming a family of five. We already got the car situation settled with the purchase of our new mini-van so now, the main focus is moving into a bigger home with a 3rd bedroom. With our limited amount of time before the baby came and the fact that the housing market is not favorable for buyers right now, Brett and I decided we should just look into rentals for the time being. We have been renting a 2-bedroom apartment for the last six years and have been very happy with our cozy place, thinking that when we eventually move, it would be for the reason of buying a house. With our new change of plans, aka baby #3, we had to kick it into high gear and upgrade to a 3-bedroom before this baby made its arrival. The community we currently live in does not have 3-bedroom apartments and we knew that not only would we need an extra bedroom but also more play space in general for our three kids. We were officially outgrowing being able to live in an apartment so the search for a town home or house was in the works. We looked online at numerous properties and then started to view them in person. We eventually found a really nice privately owned town home in Oak Park that fit our needs and now with the signed lease, we are officially leaving Agoura Hills. It is bitter-sweet in a way to be moving from our 2-bedroom apartment because we have so many great memories here. This was the place where we started our life as a married couple and then eventually brought home our first children to. So many milestones and celebrations have taken place within these walls.

At this point, I am less than a few months away from giving birth and amidst the moving boxes and change of address checklists, I am still in disbelief that I am getting to spend this pregnancy on my feet and vertical. I felt some sadness in the hospital since I was not able to nest and put together the nursery. I had the feeling like I was missing out on what millions of other pregnant women were able to do. When I came home with the twins from the hospital, we all got to see the nursery in person for the first time. Now I am here, not only being able to nest but put together a whole new house for this baby and my family, let alone a new nursery. No more FaceTime with Brett while he shopped for paint swatches and arranged the furniture. I was actually going to be in the driver's seat and present to create what our new nursery and home would look like. I am definitely not taking any minute of this for granted! There are an abundance of changes happening but all for amazing reasons and it's hard to slow down at this point to take in each moment. Overall, I am just so relieved that we found a great new home with enough time to get settled and unpacked before the baby's big arrival in June.

*The song "Moving Too Fast" is from the 2002 Off-Braodway musical The Last Five Years which was written by Jason Robert Brown, one of my favorite composers. Brett and I actually got to see the original production when we were living in New York and fell in love with the music instantly. We are so excited that they have made this musical into a movie that will be coming out this year. The story itself is about a five year relationship where the characters are telling the story in reverse chronological order. Cathy starts the story from the end of the relationship, while Jamie starts the story from the beginning of the relationship. They take turns sharing songs about falling in love and getting heartbroken and throughout the show, you slowly see what happened in this doomed relationship as the puzzle pieces of their stories start to connect. Jamie sings the song "Moving Too Fast" which talks about how happy he is to be moving in with his new girlfriend Cathy while at the same time, his career has taken off. This particular song has been playing in my own head lately with all of the major changes that are happening all at once. To go from finding out that I am pregnant, to buying a mini-van, and now moving into a new home within the span of only a few months is very overwhelming. I've got to just keep rollin' along!

Our new home!

We think we're gonna like it here (sung to the tune from Annie)

"I Got Life" - Hair

December 21st, 10:00pm, Pacific Standard Time, I can't believe a year went by so fast… Today marks the one year anniversary of finding out that my babies were in trouble which landed us into the hospital for 126 days.  Such a scary event and difficult time brought so many positive and amazing experiences that I never would have thought could happen.  Starting this blog was the first thing I did when I was admitted into the hospital and it has allowed me to share my story with the world and have the opportunity to help other moms on bed rest who are going through or have gone through this tremendous experience.  I have obviously been incredibly busy which has made it very difficult to regularly write more blog posts but regardless, our story goes on and it needs to be told.  It amazes me how slowly time went by in the hospital while I was on bed rest and now, those same 24 hours I would get each day, are flying at warp speed.  So much has happened since April 21st and my life has completely changed.

Coming home from the hospital was at first so wonderful and I felt such a sense of freedom.  Freedom to finally be a mother after so many years of waiting, freedom to walk, freedom to go outside, and freedom to do everything else I was deprived of in the hospital...especially taking regular showers!  But soon I would discover that this "freedom" was not so easy to come by in my situation.  I was extremely weak and in a lot of pain from the bed rest and c-section.  I could not take care of myself, let alone two infants.  All of the things I had been dreaming about doing as soon as I got home were still dreams since I physically could not accomplish anything.  We were very lucky to have so much help from family and friends when we got home but in a way, I wished we didn't have it.  I wanted to do everything myself and not have to rely on anyone since I had been living with so many restrictions and limitations at the hospital.  I was so thirsty for independence that not even being able to change a diaper was depressing to me.  I knew that I would be limited because of my body but I did not realize just how much. Thankfully, I was able to go to physical therapy which helped make me strong again and little by little I was able to regain my independence.

Just when my body was starting to feel normal and I could finally take care of the kids on my own, I had to prepare myself to go back to work after being gone for seven months. Then a couple of weeks before I started back at my job, I got the horrible news that my Dad passed away. Ella and Ethan were just about three months old and now they would never get to know their one remaining maternal grandparent. It was hard enough knowing that my Mom would not be around to watch them grow up, but then realizing that my Dad would not be in the picture was very sad.  Even though he was not much of a visitor when I was in the hospital, he did manage to spend some precious time with the twins right after they were born. He came to the hospital and got to hold each of them which meant so much to me.  All I can think of now is that at least he got to meet them and hold them which is more than my Mom was able to do.  My Dad being able to spend the short amount of time with them was better than no time at all and I am grateful for that gift.

After recovering from the loss of my Dad, it has been so hard for me to have new babies and not be able to turn to my parents for advice or listen to the stories of what they went through as new parents.  Luckily, one thing I do have from them is a textile with the poem "Children Learn What They Live."  It hung in my room when I was a child and I thought it was long gone after so many years.  Miraculously, it was found while cleaning out my Dad's garage and I took the very dirty and damaged textile and got it restored and re-framed.  Like a gift from the great beyond, now my children can enjoy this poem and the life lessons that it teaches.  It is almost as if my parents left that for me to find to know that they are still with me and watching over all of us.

Despite the difficult journey I have been on this past year, I have learned so much about myself and what I am capable of.  I get stopped constantly by people once they see I have a double stroller and realize I have twins.  "You must have your hands full!" and "I don't know how you do it!" are the comments that I get.  Yes, twins are a lot of work but honestly, after everything I have been through, taking care of them and spending time with them is easy and fun compared to trying to keep myself from going crazy lying in bed for four months!  My hands are full...but not full of burden and exhaustion like most people assume.  My hands are full of appreciation and pleasure for getting two beautiful, healthy babies that make every second spent in bed worth the wait and sacrifice.

*The song "I Got Life" is from the 1968 Broadway musical Hair which was one of the first rock musicals on Broadway.  Recently, the new revival in 2009 won the Tony Award for Best Revival of a Musical. I absolutely love this musical and its message.  This song in particular really puts me in such a good mood and reminds me that no matter what bad things may happen, I am still alive and healthy and that I also have two new little lives that bring me so much happiness.  It is so important to focus on what you do have in your life, and not what you are missing.

Happy Grandpa

Grandparent's gift from beyond

1st Halloween (6 months old)

Introducing...The Fisher Family!

"I'm Going Home" - The Rocky Horror Show

After finally experiencing the momentous occasion of the birth of my twins, the next big event that I had been anxiously waiting for was to go back home. At 122 days in the hospital, I only had four more days to go until my discharge papers were signed making my entire hospital stay a whopping 126 days! April 25th could not come soon enough and unfortunately, those four little days recovering from surgery were going to be harder than expected. Immediately after the c-section, I was taken to the recovery room where we got to spend our "golden hour" with the twins and get some good skin to skin contact before they got whisked away to be fully cleaned up and checked out. My epidural was still going strong so I was feeling really good snuggled up with the kids and just taking in the fact that I had successfully accomplished the biggest challenge in my entire life. Then once the twins left, the anesthesiologist started to transition me from my epidural to regular pain medications since we were only going to be in the recovery room for about two hours. The nurses mentioned that during surgery, there was one complication that occurred which was now under control. I had lost a large amount of blood when the two placentas were removed. This occurred because my uterus was not able to work normally since I had been so inactive these past several months. My uterine muscles were atrophied along with all of the rest of my muscles. My doctor had anticipated this outcome so they put in a Bakri balloon to put pressure on the bleeding so that I would not need a transfusion. This life saving device came with a price because once the epidural was turned off, the strongest of medications did absolutely nothing to control the pain from everything I just went through. They gave me Percocet, Dilaudid, Morphine, and Oxycontin to name a few, but nothing could touch this level of pain. After five long hours, they ended up turning back on my epidural which provided the only relief. While this whole ordeal was going on, I sent Brett out with the twins to spend time with our families who were worried about us since I had not been released from the recovery room. Brett soon returned with the twins once I was stable and after a total of seven hours in recovery, I was sent back to my original room in labor and delivery to be closely observed. I did not get to see my family at all since we got back to our room at 2:00am. After two difficult days recovering, we then made the transition to our postpartum room on the other side of the maternity ward where we would spend our last two nights at the hospital.

After all of the months isolated from the real world, April 25th was at last here and the final packing began. Before we officially left, I decided to take a walk around the hospital one last time. Ironically on this day, the hospital started a new program where all of the moms on bed rest would meet twice a month on their gurneys to discuss their thoughts and feelings with the hospital social worker. Apparently, this program was in the works for awhile and my Facebook group helped make these face-to-face meetings more of a priority. I popped into the meeting briefly to say goodbye to everyone and assure them that every single second spent lying in bed was so unbelievably worth it. Once my babies were in my arms, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat regardless of how difficult or long this endeavor had been. It was nice seeing everyone and being able to leave them with hope that bed rest can lead to a very successful outcome in their own pregnancies.

The last and most important things we had to pack up were of course the twins in their brand new car seats which I got to see in person for the very first time. A huge wave of emotion began to hit me as the room started to look empty with all of our things loaded up on carts to take down to the car. Tears began to fall as a wheelchair was rolled in, signaling that my stay was in fact over. It was very surreal to know that my new life was finally about to begin as I sat down in the wheelchair with Ethan on my lap in his car seat. We started to move and Brett walked next to me carrying Ella in her car seat as we both cried tears of joy. Then after 126 days of confinement, my wheelchair was pushed out into the fresh air and I got to see the gorgeous blue sky for the first time since December. I could see the clouds and the sun and human life happening outside of the hospital walls. I then realized just how much this entire experience completely changed my life and the way I view the world. I had given up four months of my life in order to give my kids the chance to live. A very small price to pay for two beautiful, healthy babies who will get to know that life is extremely precious once they have been told the story of how they came into this world.

*The song "I'm Going Home" is from the 1975 Broadway musical The Rocky Horror Show which then became the famous midnight cult movie The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Frank-N-Furter sings this soulful ballad once he finds out that he is being taken back to his home planet but desires to stay on Earth instead. In my case, there was no way I was desiring to stay at that hospital one more minute, and seeing our car pulled up outside ready to take us all back together was so glorious. The entire car ride home both Brett and I continued to cry that at last we were free to be a family. Brett had made the lonely drive back and forth down Pacific Coast Highway so many times coming to visit me. Now, his wish came true that this final drive back home included not only me, but the twins as well. We all made it through this incredible journey with an enormous appreciation for all of the amazing blessings in our life. Don't dream it...be it!

My first glimpse of the sky!

I'm free!!!

Happy tears as we leave as a family

A dream come true

"Someone Else's Story" - Chess

Initially when I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix, I really had no idea how close I came to losing my twins.  I knew the situation was serious enough for me to be admitted into the hospital, but I felt like I was well taken care of and the issue was at least under control.  It was not until I began to research my condition that I realized just how lucky I was to have a doctor who was able to stop a disaster from happening.  In doing my research, I found out that a normal cervix during pregnancy should measure 3cm or greater but mine had shortened to just 0.8cm!  If left untreated, I would have gone into full preterm labor probably in the next week and given birth to babies that were not viable to live outside of the womb. My first instinct when I started my bed rest journey was to seek out support from others in the same boat as me.  Right away, I created the private Facebook group to speak with the other Moms on bed rest in the hospital, and then I branched out to all sorts of online support groups which were specific to my exact condition.  I soon began to discover that within these groups, I was a minority since this was my very first pregnancy and I had no history of miscarriage or stillbirth.  More often than not, an incompetent cervix is usually diagnosed only after a woman has gone through one or more losses because it is not caught soon enough and some doctors don't include this test during exams.  I was extremely fortunate to be under the care of a high risk doctor (due to being pregnant with twins) who routinely checks for this condition between weeks 18-20.  I was actually looking forward to my 19 week ultrasound mainly because the sexes would be determined, plus the doctor would be doing an anatomy scan where all of the body parts and internal organs would be measured and examined.  The excitement would soon turn to fear once he informed my husband and I that there was bad news.

With such a shocking diagnosis and treatment plan, I selfishly kept thinking about how miserable the next 4-5 months would be at the hospital stuck in bed all day and night.  But as my research started, I began to shift my thinking outward and fully empathize with all of the stories I came across where women had been through the unthinkable nightmare of losing their babies.  How could I possibly complain or feel bad for myself?!?  So many women would give anything to be where I was if it meant their babies were still safe and inside their womb.  Everyday that I am here is truly a gift and as the days, weeks, and months roll by, I can't help but feel incredibly fortunate that I have gotten this far.

One particular story I recently found online really hit home for me because just two days after I was admitted into The BirthPlace, this other woman Cori, was admitted as well for the same exact condition.  In her own blog, she writes about how it was discovered that she had an incompetent cervix and a cerclage procedure was scheduled on the same day that I was going to have mine...Christmas Eve.  Unfortunately for Cori, her water ended up breaking before the procedure could even take place and nothing could be done at that point to save the baby.  Reading this tragic story, I started thinking that as I was being wheeled into the operating room, this poor woman was already at the end of her journey knowing that soon she would be delivering her baby that would not even get the chance to live.  Later that evening, I was recovering from surgery with the new possibility of delivering full term babies while just a few doors down from me, Cori was holding her angel in her arms and saying goodbye.  As I near the 100 day mark, it seems like a very long time to be stuck in the hospital but I bet Cori or any other woman who has suffered a loss would gladly stay in the hospital over 200 days if it meant saving their baby's life.  Bed rest can be a very stressful and unpleasant experience for most women, but focusing on these kind of stories can really help put things into perspective and completely change your attitude...I know it definitely changed mine.

*The song "Someone Else's Story" is from the 1988 Broadway musical Chesswhich has music written by Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus from ABBA with lyrics by Tim Rice.  The song is actually about a marriage coming to an end but the message in the song is that the woman experiencing this loss wishes her story was not her own.  I am sure that women who have experienced losing their baby certainly wish that this incident did not happen to them.  Originally, when I found out I would be on bed rest for several months, I really hoped that this could have been someone else's story.  But now, I am beyond grateful that this is in fact my story after reading about countless women who were not as lucky as I.  This lesson really makes me count my blessings and be utterly thankful that I have made it 95 days in the hospital with hopefully more days to come.

On my way to surgery on Christmas Eve

"A Quiet Night at Home" - bare: A Pop Opera

There are certain aspects of pregnancy bed rest that are just so ironic when I think about what my new life will be like once I deliver.  I will be going from such an isolated, quiet environment to raising two newborns all at once.  Trust me, I am taking full advantage of this alone time to catch up on reading, watch all the movies in my Netflix queue, and of course write this blog.  But even with these activities to take up my time day after day, bed rest can still be a depressing experience due to the lack of human contact and solitary confinement.  Thankfully, I have created alternatives for myself by starting the Facebook group with the other moms on bed rest and also encouraging friends and family to visit.  Regardless, this experience is definitely in no way a vacation, and having this much time to myself mixed with my lack of freedom sometimes makes me feel like a prisoner. Just think about it...there are 24 hours in each day.  If I sleep about 8 hours a night, for the remaining 16 hours I am pretty much by myself.  Yes, there will be the occasional visitor and my nurse checks in on me as well, but in general I am alone way more than the average person is on a daily basis.  Definitely a huge change from my old life where I interacted with dozens of people per day.  Being here three months now, I have gotten into a routine and this lifestyle change is not as challenging as it was before.  With a little more than a month to go I have started focusing on what life will be like outside of room 2524.

Is bed rest a nice break before the craziness of being a new parent takes over?  Or does bed rest cause more of a shock to the system going from one extreme to the next?  These four months in the hospital will soon become a blur as I spend the next 18+ years caring for these twins wishing that I could get some of that alone time back.  The bottom line is that no matter how unpleasant this solitude is sometimes, there will probably be many times in the near future when I will realize that I took it for granted.  That is the nature of the bed rest beast.

But as I think back to the many hours of time with me, myself, and I (approximately 2,088 hours at this point), the big picture looks better and better.  When I am in the thick of being alone, it is hard to get out of that funk and look on the bright side since so many thoughts and feelings take over my brain.  Although looking back, I have been very productive and many things that I was able to accomplish here, would not have been possible if I was just home living my life as a normal and busy pregnant woman.  For instance, I was able to spend good, quality time putting my baby registry together online by researching which products had the highest reviews and ruling out what were absolute necessities.  Also, I have been able to read a bunch of books on baby care which I would not have had the time for once the babies were home.  Most importantly, being alone has given me the chance to really focus on the new lives growing inside of me.  Since I am constantly laying down, I have the advantage to feel all fetal movement without any distractions.  I can just stop whatever I am doing to watch a foot protrude against my skin and feel the interactions between both babies as they fight for space and kick my ribs.  They constantly remind me that in actuality, I have never been alone since being confined to bed rest!  The twins have been with me through this entire journey and continue to remind me to focus on why I am here and not what I am missing out on in the real world.  It is way too easy to take the "woe is me" stance when put in this situation but early on I realized that was not my style nor was it productive in any way.  I have so many things to be thankful for in my life and when I finally leave this hospital, I will have two more blessings to add to the ever growing list.

*The song "A Quiet Night at Home" is from the 2004 Off-Broadway musical bare: A Pop Opera, which is a powerful musical that deals with how sexuality and religion can sometimes be at war with each other.  The main story revolves around two gay high school students in a secret relationship at Catholic boarding school and the issues that arise in their world.  The song itself is sung by the character Nadia who is the overweight sister of Jason (one of the main characters in the secret relationship with his roommate Peter).  She is often the outcast because of her looks and this song sums up her feelings about being isolated from her peers.  Like Nadia, I have been in that sad place of feeling like I was missing out on life by being stuck at the hospital.  My feelings have definitely changed as time has gone on because I put the focus on what I could control as opposed to all of the things I couldn't.  So as I get closer to the end of my bed rest journey, I have accepted the quiet for now but fully look forward to the lack thereof once I get home with my two little rib kickers. :)

Just some of the baby books I have been reading

Quiet time with a therapy dog

"Home" - The Wiz

Homesickness is a very real illness and I am definitely infected with it. There are so many things I miss about being home and in my neighborhood that I keep fantasizing about what it would be like if I had a 24 hour "hall pass." If I could leave the hospital for 24 hours and not have any of the physical limitations I am currently facing (muscle atrophy, fatigue, contractions), what sort of things would I take advantage of? With all of this time on my hands, I have deeply thought about my escape and what that day would entail. First and foremost before any special outings, I would arrive back home and just enjoy being there. I would spend a lot of time with my cats because at this point, they probably think I am either dead or I abandoned them! After some quality time with my four legged kids, I will take that long awaited shower I keep dreaming about. I would love to take a bubble bath too but on my one day off, I want to limit the amount of lying down for obvious reasons. Once I am fully clean and rejuvenated from the shower, I will put on real clothes (not pajamas) and actually put some shoes on! Wearing my normal clothes, I will venture outside into the fresh air and just take a nice long walk in the sunshine. Not being able to go outside and only breathing air from an air conditioner is unbelievably depressing...especially when I have a window to look out of to taunt me and make me feel like a caged bird. This is probably one of the toughest things to deal with at the hospital because I do feel like a prisoner sometimes. Okay, back to my fantasy! Where was I...oh yeah, in the great outdoors. So I spend a good amount of time just walking around my neighborhood taking in the beauty of nature and doing some much needed people watching. I walk to my favorite local nail salon and get the full mani/pedi/massage treatment as a gift to myself. I loved the session I had at the hospital but nothing beats the real experience of sitting in one of those comfy chairs that massages your back the entire time. Yum!

After fulfilling my mind and body, the next order of business is taking care of my stomach with food! At the hospital, the food has gotten very repetitive and I am not enjoying ordering the same things over and over again. Plus, it never arrives very hot since there is a long path taken in order to reach my room. The same holds true for food brought in by visitors. I love getting variety with outside meals but I am constantly eating food that is luke warm or heated up by a microwave. To top it off, I have only been allowed to eat while lying in bed with a big towel draped over me for spills. Not very appetizing or comfortable. For my hospital day off, I will actually sit at a table and receive piping hot food! The first place I go...In-N-Out Burger, and I will savor every minute of it.

Now that I am fed and have gotten my fill of being outside, I will hop into my car and drive around to run errands and go shopping. This day is not about doing anything extraordinary but literally just doing the ordinary. I miss normal and part of that normal is driving to pick up the dry cleaning, stopping by Petsmart for cat food, and taking a stroll through the mall to buy clothes and eat a pretzel. You would think that on my one day off I would rush over to Disneyland, go to the theatre, or do something really exciting but honestly, it's all about the simple things. The most simple thing being at the very end of the day, where the only lying down I want to do is on my own bed. Sleeping on a twin sized slanted hospital bed is about as uncomfortable as it sounds. Regardless of the countless hours I have spent lying in bed at the hospital, I still just want to curl up in my own bed and sleep soundly without any beeping contraction monitors waking me up. Although this entire day is simply a fantasy, I will get to do all of these things soon enough once I have delivered. Well, maybe not the sleeping soundly part once the babies come home but everything else is definitely possible. Until then, I will have to keep clicking my heels with the hopes that I will soon be back home.

*The song "Home" is from the 1975 Broadway musical The Wiz which is a unique retelling of The Wizard of Oz way before Wicked came along. The Wiz was then made into a movie in 1978 starring Diana Ross as Dorothy and Michael Jackson as the Scarecrow. This was one of my favorite movies growing up which I watched on Betamax...yes Betamax, not VHS. This song in the show is the closing number where Dorothy is about to go back home after experiencing her amazing journey through Oz. She reflects on what she has learned, how she has grown, and how much she will appreciate her life back in Kansas. In a way, I am in my own kind of Oz, far away from home facing challenges and making new friends. Like Dorothy, I want nothing more than to go home and be in my familiar surroundings again. My husband actually gave me the idea for this blog post because he asked me what I would do if I had one day to go back to my former life. This song popped into my head and I started thinking about how Dorothy felt being stuck in Oz. Like Dorothy, I also realize that there is no place like home and thankfully, soon that home will include two little munchkins!

There's no place like home...with Milo

"My Funny Valentine" - Babes in Arms

At this point, I have already celebrated many holidays here at the hospital, but they did have to be modified due to the circumstances. For instance, my Hanukkah menorah was made up of electric candles instead of real ones, I didn't drink any champagne on New Year's Eve, and most importantly, my awesome "Dirty Thirty" travel birthday plans were completely cancelled. Now with Valentine's Day on the horizon, I knew this February 14th would be very different from all of the ones before. Even so, my husband and I both had plans to make this Valentine's Day as normal as possible and use it as another excuse to express our love for one another. Before I get into the festivities, there were some major developments that happened the day before. Out of the blue I started having lots of contractions which was strange because there was not anything that I was doing differently with my activity level. I was still just lying in bed 99% of the day. About two weeks prior, my doctor did take me off of the anti-contraction medication I was on since my amniotic fluid levels were getting low, and that was a possible side effect from the meds. They were monitoring me closely to make sure that the fluid levels went back to normal, which they did, and that I was not having any more contractions. Everything was going just fine until February 13th when my contractions kicked into high gear. I have never been able to feel any of these contractions for whatever reason but they show up on the contraction monitor and alert the nurses that there is an issue. One or two contractions every couple of hours is not a big deal, but on Monday they jumped up to nine per hour! It was a good thing that I was not able to feel them because they were not very intense but the frequency was concerning because quantity could be dangerous regardless of the level of intensity. I was started on a new anti-contraction medication that night which gave me a lot of unpleasant side effects. The side effects did not hurt the babies at all but they made me very uncomfortable while my body was getting used to this new drug. In addition, I now had to be woken up to take the medication every six hours so at midnight and 6:00am my sleep was interrupted. Other than being woken up to take the medication, every time I was having contractions, the nurse would come in to wake me up to empty my bladder to help stop the contractions. If your bladder is full, there is less room for the uterus and contractions are more likely to occur until the bladder is emptied. Overall, this new fiasco meant very little sleep for me and more importantly a fear that this complication could get worse.

The next day after barely sleeping, Brett came by in the morning and surprised me with two bouquets of roses, balloons, and wall decorations for my room. He brought me an amazing gift as well which was one of our wedding pictures blown up onto a canvas. I cried when I opened it because it was so thoughtful and beautiful. I had already given Brett his gift the week before since all of my shopping had to be done online and shipped out. I ordered him a Burke Williams Spa gift card so that he can have some relaxation between taking care of me, the kitties, the bills, the apartment, etc. So far, my Valentine's Day was pretty awesome considering the circumstances. He left for work and then came back in the evening with take-out from Buca Di Beppo which was so much better than the usual hospital cafeteria food. Luckily, throughout the day, the medication had started to work with me having less contractions than before but still not as few as when I was on the first medication. Regardless of this new scary situation, I just focused on enjoying the holiday and visualizing my uterus calming down so that I could get another couple of months to have these babies cook. I never imagined that our last Valentine's Day without kids would be like this but in the end, we made the best of it and now we can look forward to sharing this holiday with our twins in the years to come.

*The song "My Funny Valentine" is from the 1937 Broadway musical Babes in Armsby Rogers & Hart. This song became a very famous standard after being in the show and most people today don't even know that it originated from this early musical. For me, this song represents how even though you may not have the most perfect Valentine or Valentine's Day, it really doesn't matter because love is what is truly important. I did have a "funny" Valentine's Day with not being able to go out on a real date with my husband and being stuck in bed with scary contractions, but we made it work. This whole bed rest experience has been about adapting to change and embracing it instead of getting upset that expectations have been skewed. Just one more life lesson to work on by the time the twins arrive.

These put a smile on my face

Our wedding photo on canvas

"Beauty School Dropout" - Grease

There are a lot of sacrifices I am making while on bed rest and a minor one that I am really missing right now is my usual beauty routine. I guess you could say that I am pretty low maintenance to begin with regarding beauty. I have never been one to wear make-up on a regular basis and I go to a hair salon about twice a year for trims. Regardless of my lax regimen, I think I miss having the ability and freedom to spruce up my looks, especially since I feel pretty disheveled on a daily basis. For two months now, I have worn nothing but pajamas! To know what I am missing out on, let me explain what my usual routine was before I became bedridden. As I mentioned, I am not a huge fan of make-up so I would only wear some if there was a special occasion. My hair on the other hand, would eat up most of my time because it is very long and would take awhile to straighten and style. Other than a blow dryer and flat iron, I used about four different products in it to get my hair smooth and straight since it has a bit of a wave and gets frizzy easily. Luckily, I don't dye my hair anymore (I used to be blonde) so the only upkeep I had was the day-to-day grooming and occasional haircut. Lately, my hair is pretty much neglected. Sorry hair!!! It gets washed once a week in a sink and just stays pulled back into a ponytail most of the time. I don't even bother putting any products into it because they will only make my hair greasier as the days go on. Instead, I use dry shampoo as long as I can but that starts failing because it only works its magic up to a certain point. Overall, I have just learned to live with my new look and realize that this is only preparing me for when I get home eventually. Soon I will find out that even with the access to a real shower and blow dryer, I will not have the time to indulge thanks to my two little ones taking up all of my attention.

Other than hair and make-up, there is the issue of cleaning my body, shaving, and taking care of my nails while on bed rest. As mentioned before in earlier blog posts, showering is not an option due to how strenuous it is on my atrophied body so sponge baths in bed are the only alternative. They work and I definitely feel clean afterwards but you get cold in the process once water starts evaporating off of your skin. While taking these sponge baths, I am constantly reminded of the fact that shaving my legs is something that will have to be neglected for now because reaching over my belly is not the easiest thing...especially with a sharp razor in hand. The same goes for maintaining my toenails. I literally cannot reach them and since I have been here, they have just kept on growing. Guess those prenatal vitamins are working! My fingernails I am able to at least trim and maintain but I don't even want to bother with nail polish because I am bound to have some sort of spillage or snafu in my bed.

But recently...a miracle happened! One of my cousins decided to treat me to a professional mani/pedi where the nail salon came to me. Two women from a local nail salon came directly to my hospital room and made me feel human for an hour. I got my finger and toe nails trimmed and polished, plus I received relaxing arm and leg massages as well. I closed my eyes and just pictured myself in the salon itself...away from my hospital prison. It was so nice to feel feminine and pretty again after a couple months of frump. Even though my beauty has taken a backseat recently, it is all well worth it for my two little ones. So with two months gone and two months to go, my looks will be a little neglected here at the hospital as my focus is on making sure my babies look beautiful inside of my belly...beautiful strong heartbeats, beautiful development, and beautiful growth.

*The song "Beauty School Dropout" is from the 1972 Broadway musical Greasewhich was made into a very popular film version in 1978 (which I am sure you have seen about 50 times or more...I know I have). Lately I have been feeling like a beauty school dropout every time I look in the mirror because I am not used to seeing myself this sloppy looking. My beauty is obviously not my first priority while I am here and I know I am probably the only one who cares. It has nothing to do with what others think because I am in the hospital and this is what I am supposed to look like. It would be very weird to be looking put together and pretty when the only thing I am doing is lying in bed all day. The bottom line is that any shred of normalcy (clean hair, manicured nails, etc.) makes me feel better while going through this stressful experience. I am truly learning to appreciate the little things and not take anything for granted.

Just like at the salon...minus the gurney!

Pampered pregnant princess

"Waiting for Life" - Once on This Island

Being at the hospital now for 50 days, there has been some turnover with the other girls on bed rest. They have either 1) delivered, 2) been stable enough to go home to continue bed rest without constant monitoring, or 3) are extremely close to their due date and are sent home to go into labor naturally. Due to my circumstances, going home before delivery is never going to be an option so seeing others leave is bittersweet. After a whole lot of patience, determination, and discipline they are in a sense, graduating. But instead of getting a diploma or degree at the end, they get a baby! I am definitely sad to see them leave our little community here but it gives me so much hope and inspiration that I will soon get there and I might just hear "Pomp and Circumstance" playing in the distance. Thinking back to all of the other graduations I have had in my life, it reminds me how special that time is and how each of those experiences have been preparing me for what I am going through right now. Graduation represents a new beginning or rite of passage where possibilities seem to be endless. It also forces me to think back on all of the hard work and accomplishments which made the graduation possible to begin with. College was of course much more challenging than all of the other schooling and education I have received as a child and adolescent. No one is holding my hand anymore to make sure I get to class or that my homework is completed. I also had to pay a lot of money to be there and if I didn't put in the effort, my money would be wasted and all the responsibility would be on my shoulders. College is truly one of the first adult tests that I faced which was vital in assisting me to have a successful career and future. Although, while in college I did still feel like I was in a safe bubble since expectations of success were not going to come until after finishing. This was the time to "incubate" and absorb all of the knowledge possible. I was in complete preparation mode just waiting to start my life after being in school for practically all of it. Then, the bubble gets popped and the real adventure begins.

For me, being pregnant is very similar to this experience since I have wanted to become a mom my entire life. Every life lesson along the way was been preparing me for this very moment. Being on bed rest is my final exam which if successful, will result in becoming a parent and getting to gleefully toss my mortarboard up into the air. I am mastering the art of patience which I know I will need once these two babies come into this world. I have the time now to study, focus on the end goal, and use my next 70+ days wisely. I started as "one small girl" but as I grow, my commencement draws near and a very important life chapter will begin as I transition into the role of parent.

*The song "Waiting For Life" is from the 1990 Broadway musical Once on This Islandwhich tells the love story of Ti Moune who is a peasant girl that falls in love with a rich man from the upper-class. At the very beginning of the show, she sings this inspiring song praying to the Gods that she is ready to start her life, find adventure, and love. When I was about to graduate college, I too was waiting for my own life to truly begin once school was finally over. I got to move in with the love of my life, get married, start my career, and ultimately start a family. Now, I am waiting for two little lives to begin and as each day passes, I see others around me starting this journey and reassuring me that there is a very bright light at the end of this long tunnel.

My college graduation (2005)

"Putting It Together" - Sunday in the Park with George

I feel like I have become a detective lately...you know, the kind with the big magnifying glass analyzing every detail and clue. That's me. One major discovery that just happened was that I found out I actually do not have gestational diabetes. Yay!!! When I took the test and was getting my blood drawn every hour, the nurse kept coming back with news that my levels were still very high and my outcome was not looking good. Once the testing was finally complete, she told me that my numbers did not drop to where they needed to be and we had to wait for orders from the doctor to start testing my blood sugar. I immediately changed my diet and was anticipating the poking and prodding to begin. Days past with no finger pricks and my nurses were confused as to why there were no orders yet since they all saw the test results in my chart. My doctor is a very busy man so a delay was not out of the ordinary. Plus I was being very good about my new diet which lowered their level of concern. I got called in for an ultrasound a few days after my glucose test and finally got a chance to remind my doctor about the orders we were all waiting on. He informed me that I did in fact pass which is why orders were never written in the first place! Apparently, since I am having twins, the parameters are higher than the norm so even though my numbers were elevated, it was in the normal range for my particular condition. There could have been better communication between the doctor and nurses but in the end, I was very happy to have some good news come my way. Mystery solved! Another mystery which has been taking up a lot of my time lately is trying to figure out exactly what items to put on my baby registry. I am the farthest from knowing anything about babies or children, let alone what products are the right ones to get for them. Growing up, I was the baby of the family and never had the opportunity to change a baby's diaper, feed a baby, etc. Even as I got older I never got a chance babysit or look after anyone else's children. It got to the point where I realized that I would just learn all of these things once I had my own children and in a way, I liked that idea of starting from scratch. Before I get to tackle all of the day-to-day maintenance with my kids, the first order of business while they are still in the womb is to make sure I am getting the proper merchandise for their health and well-being.

Luckily, I have many resources to turn to since recently, family and friends have had babies and I was able to get guidance from them about what worked and what didn't. Other than their helpful tips, I knew I had to do my own research into a world that I knew very little about. To top it off, I was at a disadvantage not being able to actually go into the store to "test drive" certain products or see them in person. All of my shopping had to be done remotely from my hospital bed relying on customer reviews, consumer reports, and videos demonstrating different products in action. One huge advantage I did have was time...and a lot of it! I tore through my new "Baby Bargains" book which gives detailed ratings and information about what products are a waste of money, what products are vital, and how to get the best bang for your buck. There are so many different brands and options for every little item which is completely overwhelming to new parents. I remember in the past just going into Babies R Us to buy baby shower gifts for friends and leaving with my head spinning because of how massive the inventory was for this market! You would think that there may be a handful of different brands to choose from but it is more like dozens and beyond...for example, there are over 50 different car seats!!!

Putting together this registry was like teaching myself a new language. I had a lot of motivation to do this right because I wanted to not only have the highest rated products which were safe, but also the most convenient and user friendly. I know I will not have the time or patience to deal with a stroller that is more difficult to fold up or lift while I have twins screaming at me so taking the time to do the work and research now was essential. I realize how lucky I am to live in a time where I have the internet to get this done while on bed rest. Yes, it would have been fun to run around Babies R Us with my husband and the scanning gun doing this task together, but that was not meant to be. Instead, I got to play detective while he gets to play interior designer with the nursery. The bottom line is that in the end, the twins will have exactly what they need thanks to a team effort from mommy and daddy.

*The song "Putting It Together" is from the 1984 Broadway musical Sunday in the Park with Georgewith music and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim. The musical focuses around the painting "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" and the artist Georges Seurat. In the show, the song is sung by George, the great-grandson of the painter who is now an artist himself trying to make his mark in the modern art world one hundred years later (the first act of the show takes place 1884 while the second act jumps ahead to the future). The song is very lyric heavy (like most Sondheim songs) and talks about how many minute details go into making art. "Art isn't easy" and I have found that neither are baby registries! I am normally a very detail oriented type of person so I approached this registry like it was a piece of art and took my time until I felt that I did get it just right. In no way am I an expert on baby products now but I do feel very well informed and look forward to getting to put these items to use this spring!

Many hours spent on the Babies R Us website

Back at home...nursery colors are being tested

"Feed Me (Git It)" - Little Shop of Horrors

Like every pregnant woman, I am very hungry all the time...especially since I am eating for three. At the beginning of my pregnancy I did have some weird cravings which mainly consisted of wanting spicy buffalo wings for every meal, especially breakfast. Now that I am stuck in bed, it seems that my cravings for food are not as strong as they used to be. Possibly because I know that I am not able to satisfy a craving as easily as before, due to lack of mobility and having a limited menu to order from. It's a nice treat when visitors come by with snacks and food from the outside world to shake up my usual diet because the hospital serves absolutely no fried foods (my current craving)! Other than not serving fried foods, which I guess is the right thing to do at a hospital, I had a beef to pick with the cafeteria because of some errors happening when I did order their food. Recently, the hospital has been going through some transitions and construction which caused the cafeteria to be moved and they are still trying to get their act together. Over the past few days, food has been brought to my room extremely late, the order has been wrong, or they just forget to bring the food altogether. This would be annoying to the average person but to a hungry pregnant woman with raging hormones, any delays with food being served means war! Plus it's not just the fact that I am pregnant, but I am also completely powerless being on bed rest since I can't just get up and do something about it myself. I can complain to my nurses and then they call someone but by that point I have already raided my snack bag while I wait for the cafeteria to get it right. I'm also not the only one with these issues since all of my other bed rest friends are experiencing the same thing. Luckily, today I rattled enough chains to talk to the cafeteria supervisor in person and hopefully, everything will get better since now I have his number on speed dial.

In addition to the cafeteria drama, another black cloud regarding food might be on the horizon. I recently took a blood test in order to determine if I have gestational diabetes. I was given this disgusting drink (which contained 50 grams of sugar) to find out whether my body could regulate my insulin levels properly. Gestational diabetes is very common if you are having multiples because of the higher increase in hormone levels but luckily, the disease is only temporary and goes away once you deliver. Being on bed rest also increases the chances of gestational diabetes due to not being able to exercise or burn calories. With all of these odds stacked against me, I did not expect to pass and I ended up failing the first test. All hope is not lost because I have one more test to take which will give the final say on whether or not I get this diagnosis. The three hour glucose tolerance test is a lot more intense and I get to have more of that lovely sugar drink that actually tastes like flat Fanta but ten times sweeter.

The one silver lining is that for three days before I take this next test, I have to be on a high carbohydrate diet to get my pancreas ready for the marathon. Over these three days, I will give my pancreas a big workout by eating 300 grams of carbs per day. This way, when I take the test, my pancreas is prepped and ready to tackle that nasty drink. But if my body is not working the way it should, my pancreas will not do its job correctly and then I will officially have gestational diabetes. For now, I will fully enjoy my carb splurge since my diet might change drastically if I don't pass the test. The twins and I are all crossing our fingers and hoping for the best. Thankfully, even if I do end up testing positive, I am in a controlled environment with dietitians to consult and nurses to take care of me 24/7. I just don't like the idea of having to get my finger poked several times a day...but I'll give them a few drops if that'll appease and then I just need to worry about getting the twins to grow for me!

*The song "Feed Me (Git It)" is from the 1982 Off-Broadway musical Little Shop of Horrorswhich later was adapted into a film in 1986 and then revived on Broadway in 2003. Being pregnant and having this huge appetite, I sometimes can really relate to Audrey II (the man eating plant). In the song, Audrey II is desperately bribing his caretaker Seymour to feed him humans in order to survive. Other than the eating humans part, I am in a situation where I have to rely on people to get me food which is another reminder that I can't be independent. If I end up being diagnosed with gestational diabetes, that will be yet another restriction to add to the list. Of course, I am hoping for the best and staying as positive as ever. Overall, I just keep telling myself that this whole experience is just a blip and before I know it, I will be out of here with two little babies singing this very song to me all day and all night.

Nasty glucose drink

On the phone while enjoying my carbs

"Seasons of Love" - RENT

44,640 minutes: How do you measure a month? Measure in love. I have reached my one month anniversary here at The BirthPlace and looking back over these past 31 days, I can't stop thinking about all of the people in my life who have reached out to me in my time of need to offer support and love. I am blessed to be going through all of this during a time when I can talk to loved ones many miles away via FaceTime and actually see them instead of just hearing their voice. I have also been able to keep up with what my cats are doing back at home using FaceTime as well! At the beginning of this bed rest journey, I was extremely scared, I was in shock, and I could not believe that I would be living in a hospital for the next four months. From the start, I had numerous family members and friends jump right in to make sure I did not feel so isolated and it has helped my well-being tremendously. Thank you!

Since this was my first hospital stay ever, I had no idea what it felt like to be the one lying in bed since I was always the one doing the visiting. Unfortunately, I had my fair share of hospital visits with my mom throughout most of my life due to her on-going illnesses. I remember that when my mom was admitted to the hospital in April 2007, no one knew if she would be released or if this was it. We realized pretty quickly that she was probably not coming home and she stayed hospitalized until she passed away in September 2007. For those five months, I was going back and forth to the hospital to visit her and saw her about every other day but that still was never enough for her. Now I know why.

Other than getting all of my feelings out through this blog, having visitors has been the best medicine for my emotional health. On days when no one comes by, it gets extremely lonely here and as much as I try to fill my time up with writing, reading, or watching movies, I still yearn for human contact. Thankfully, I typically have a steady flow of visitors, but I now realize what my mom was talking about. Even though this hospital stay is temporary, the day to day isolation is really hard to handle. I keep my outlook very positive because I am on bed rest for such a wonderful reason and I look forward to meeting my babies in the very near future. Even with this "glass half full" mentality, I still have my sad moments which pretty much only show up when I am left alone in my room, especially late at night. Luckily, my husband spends the night numerous times during the week which helps out a lot. Brett has his own bed since sleeping extremely inclined on a twin hospital bed is not too comfortable for one person, let alone two. The hard part is the next morning when he has to go back home to work and take care of the cats because I hate having to say goodbye. One remedy for my loneliness which keeps happening more and more is being able to feel the twins move inside of me. I am really never truly alone here because I have the two of them dancing in my belly! I know that the more these movements happen, the happier I will be because it means that they are growing and that we will all be out of here soon.

*The song "Seasons of Love" is from the 1996 Broadway musical RENTwhich is one of my all-time favorite musicals. This song opens act two and talks about how a year should be measured not using time (525,600 minutes), but measured with love. The theme of the song is how I am viewing my time here so that I am not focusing solely on how many days I have left...but none the less, marking an X on my calendar everyday is still very satisfying! I am thinking about the love I receive from everyone who is taking time out of their busy lives to visit me or connect with me over the phone or internet. I even got a huge surprise the other day from a visitor I was not expecting at all. My dad showed up out of the blue to visit me and it made me so happy because for my dad, getting out of the house to visit someone at the hospital is not something he does, especially after what happened with my mom. Even so, he came to see me for a brief visit and I told him that it really meant a lot to me having him here. Hopefully, this visit will not be a one-time thing and he will come back again. With one month down and three more to go, I will continue to measure in love and can't wait to spend more time with the important people in my life.

On a side note, as an added bonus for coming to visit, we have set up a "Splash Down Pool" for friends and family to gamble and guess when the babies will be born. Since this is like a Super Bowl pool, the winner will get the pool of money if they pick the correct date! Good luck!

The start of 24 weeks!

Jump into the pool

"I Know Things Now" - Into the Woods

Sometimes when you finally get something you really want or desire, it does not turn out to be as great as expected. With so many freedoms and privileges taken away due to being on bed rest, any taste of normal should be celebrated, but I soon discovered that living in this altered life, normal is not worth the trouble in some cases. Let the shower story begin! So I was taken downstairs for another ultrasound which was great because I was able to escape my room yet again. This was a quick scan just to check that the amniotic fluid levels were not getting low since that is a common side effect of the anti-contraction medication that I am on. Everything was looking great so I asked the doctor if I could finally take a shower since it had been a month since I arrived at the hospital and these sponge baths were not the best. I heard from my other friends here on bed rest, that a five minute shower in a chair was an option if the doctor allowed it. My doctor said that he would have to think about it so I was not sure if it would actually happen, but I did inform the nurses about my request to hopefully expedite the approval. One amazing thing did happen on the way back up to my room after the ultrasound...I got to go outside! There was a small patio which I spotted and quickly convinced the nurse with me to have my wheelchair pushed out. It was the first time since December 21st that I got to breathe in fresh air and be out in the open. Even though it was only for two minutes, I took it all in and it was completely glorious.

My elation continued as later in the day I found out that my shower was in fact approved! I decided to take it at night because my hubby would be there to help me with this process since I would have limited access being seated in a chair the entire time. As the shower began, my excitement quickly faded once I realized that my so-called relaxing shower would be anything but. First of all, the water pressure was extremely low and there were no alternative settings on the shower head to fix this making it very difficult to get all of the soap out of my hair. In addition, sitting down while showering is a lot harder than it looks because I am so limited with movement and not everything is getting completely cleaned or rinsed due to my position. Also, the tub itself was so narrow that they had to place the chair in sideways so I wasn't able to sit properly on it. To top that off...I had only five minutes to get everything done so I was working really hard to meet that deadline with all of the obstacles in my way. By the time I was finished, I didn't even feel that clean and was completely exhausted. Because I am lying down 99% of the time, any physical activity is a huge deal. Just walking to the bathroom, my heart starts to race due to my extremely low activity level. Now I just spent the past five minutes feverishly trying to clean every inch of my body and it feels like I just ran a 5K without stopping. What I thought would be such a treat turned out to be such a let down and I realized that I wouldn't be able to take a good shower until I am home and back in my comfort zone.

For now I will have to just stick with the sponge baths and getting my hair washed in a sink once a week. It is not ideal, but far better than attempting to shower with limitations which don't make me feel good. Also, by sitting down in the shower, even just for five minutes and exerting myself the way I did, I realized it was definitely not worth it if it affected the babies in anyway. They probably only felt some extra movement than what they are used to but in the end, why risk it?

*The song "I Know Things Now" is from the 1987 Broadway musical Into the Woodsby Stephen Sondheim which mashes together several fairy tales set to an adult theme. The song itself is sung by Little Red Riding Hood where she talks about her encounter with the Big Bad Wolf and how in a way, she lost her innocence and learned a huge lesson about trust. The lesson I learned about my shower was definitely not as profound, but now I know that taking one is just not good for me or my babies. It is just one more lesson I am learning about making sacrifices for my children and focusing on what is in their best interest and not my own. I will take a really awesome shower when I get home where everything will be comfortable and familiar while the babies are safe with their Daddy. Until then, the shower alternatives at the hospital still get the job done so don't be afraid to visit me...I promise you that I am clean and smell lovely!

Shower drama

"Part of Your World" - The Little Mermaid

With the majority of my freedom and independence taken away, I have really started to appreciate what I was able to do before being admitted to the hospital. Some things that have been taken off of my plate are a nice break (driving, cooking, cleaning, etc), while others, I think about constantly and can't wait to have my normal life back. For instance, I severely miss the simple act of going outside and getting fresh air, among many other small joys. My rules here on bed rest are this: I must stay in bed and only get up to go to the bathroom. Everything else must be done for me and I cannot leave my room. Granted, there are a lot of productive things I can do while lying down but at only three weeks of being on bed rest, I am already getting antsy. What would you do if your total time out of bed for the day was less than the length of a sitcom? However, this past Tuesday night, I got a huge treat which I am still smiling about. At 10:45pm my nurse showed up in my room with a wheelchair and told me that it was my turn to get an ultrasound and check up from the doctor. Other than the short ultrasound on my birthday to solely check the sexes of the babies, the last major ultrasound I had was right before I got admitted into the hospital. For three weeks, I had only left my room once and that was to go to around the corner to the operating room for my cerclage procedure. Now I was being whisked off in a wheelchair (not lying down!) to go all the way to the 1st floor where my doctor has his regular office. For weeks now I have been asking visitors to describe to me what the rest of the hallways, the nurses station, and the ever popular nourishment room looks like since I have become such a sheltered little creature.

I made sure that they rolled me slowly because I wanted to take everything in. Who knew that I would be fascinated by looking at a waiting room or being inside of an elevator?!? To add to my rising excitement, was the fact that I would get to see my babies again! It was nice to not have to wait to see my doctor because at my previous ultrasound appointments, he was so busy that sometimes our appointment set for 6:00pm would actually happen at 10:00pm. Luckily we could call in advance to get a better estimate so we were not sitting there for several hours but regardless, there was a lot of waiting involved. Of course, seeing a doctor in high demand is more reassuring than seeing someone who has a very empty appointment book, so it did not bother me too much. At least one perk of hospital bed rest gets me in to see my doctor immediately as well as the twins!

Thankfully everything looked good on the ultrasound so it was time for me to go back up to my room. I was able to convince my nurse to let me visit with one of my bed rest friends in their room before being locked down into my own. It is really amazing how therapeutic it is to talk to someone who is going through exactly what you are. To most people, bed rest looks like a mini vacation but it is a lot harder than it seems and takes a ton of discipline...especially to someone who is a busy body/mover and a shaker type of person (me). What I wouldn't give to just go outside and run a stupid errand! Again, this is very temporary and for such an amazing reason but hey...I do need to vent every once and awhile. I'm sure most people get tired of lying in bed when they are sick for a couple of days at home, but they get better and then life resumes. For me, my whole life is lying in bed.

*The song "Part of Your World" is from the 2008 Broadway musical The Little Mermaid, which of course was also an animated film that originally featured the song. In the show, Ariel is singing about feeling like she is missing out on a better life and wants to become human. I can truly relate to what she is going through because I really "want to be where the people are." When I was let out of my room for that brief period of time, it was like I grew legs and got to explore the great beyond...I even wanted to grab a fork and start brushing my hair! But seriously, you never have full appreciation for something until it's gone and I really do miss my old life. Maybe this is all happening for a reason so that I can have an easier transition into becoming a mom for two babies at once which will be a heck of a challenge and also take away many freedoms. I think I should start getting used to losing some independence and freedom because when the babies arrive, they will always come first, not me. I guess I have to stop being shellfish. :)

My view to the outside world

"Elaborate Lives" - Aida

Guest blog post: While my husband Brett was on the cruise last week, he wrote me a love letter which I wanted to share in my blog. Right now, there is a lot of attention on me due to the circumstances and although my hubby is not the main focus, he is going through a difficult time as well. Everyday he is taking care of all of the business at home, commuting a long distance to see me, and dealing with his own sense of loneliness. Being on hospital bed rest not only alters the lives of pregnant moms in this situation, but their husbands as well. Dear Sweety Cat,

It has been since Saturday night, New Year's Eve since we last spoke. You were the last person I called before I shut my phone off, leaving me with no access to the rest of the world - and I have to say - its been really nice. We need to cut ourselves off sometimes from it all and just recharge. This is what I have needed from all that we have been going through. As I type this on my iPad 2, I can't help but be reminded of Aunt Betty's book, where Ira wrote love letters to Betty during the time before they were married, while living in separate parts of the country. What a time. Totally disconnected, with the primary form of communication being writing letters to one another.

Here we are, over 50 years later, and in a similar situation. Disconnected. I think about you probably every few minutes, if not more. I think about how wonderful you are, how sweet, loving, caring, affectionate, patient, understanding, strong, I could go on and on... From the day we first met up until a few days ago, I think we spoke at least everyday. Even on my trips abroad, we always spoke. This is an odd feeling being disconnected from you since I have absolutely no cell phone reception at sea. Especially at a time when I want to know everything that is going on in your life. How are the Ziggies? How big are they? How were their heart beats this morning? Which nurse do you have today? How was meeting the girls and their husbands on New Year's Eve? What did you do? I am sad I missed the first meetup of your crew, but I hope you plan more so I can meet them next time. Knowing you, you will.

I just think the world of you and what you are going through right now. I can't be more inspired and impressed with what a strong person you've become through all this. It must be incredibly difficult and isolating to be stuck in that bed - day after day - but the time will pass quickly. As we say, "its just a blip." You're smart to be writing a lot in your blog. This is a life event that you'll look back on and will be so happy you have the time documented to remind you of what life was like for four months before our kids were born. I'm also so proud of you for setting up the private Facebook group to communicate with the other girls on bed rest.

How sad is it that in our last four months together as a married couple before our babies arrive, we have to be separated? I know it's all for the better and a higher power is helping us out. Of course we did have over eleven years together to selfishly do as we wanted, whenever we wanted. We were so silly to assume that we'd get to have these last four months completely to ourselves. But these four months will be an adventure! I'm actually very excited about it. However, it's hard to go from living apart for the first six years of our relationship, to living together for the next five years, to going back to the way it used to be. Remember when you lived in West Hills and I in Westchester, and we were 40 minutes apart? Now with you in Santa Monica, it's about the same distance to Agoura Hills.

I have my new weekly routine all planned out in my head. You know what happens when you try to plan, right? In between work, off-season Triathlon training, and visiting you, I'll finish purging and rearranging the apartment, set up the nursery, and fall asleep on the couch each night watching episodes of "The Big Bang Theory" on TBS since you won't be there to cuddle and fall asleep with. Good thing we have four loving kitties that are looking after me, especially Mixie and Milo. I've never had such a big bachelor pad before, and two cars to drive.

But, imagine, after four long months, the excitement of you coming home with our babies. Suddenly I'll have three roommates; a family! One of the best times in my life were the months leading up to when we moved in together. That was January - March of 2006. I had two jobs, was working long hours, and saving up money for the furnishings of our brand new, high-end, luxury, 1-bedroom apartment home in Playa Vista adjacent. That was a fun time! Then on March 26th, I drove out to West Hills with a U-Haul to scoop you and your possessions up to live in sin. The nurses at The BirthPlace say you'll need a U-Haul when you leave. Ha ha.

I'm so excited for the future. This was all very scary and shocking on December 21st, but you and I are in a completely different head space right now. We are both so strong, driven, determined, and independent. I am very confident we well pull through this like pros. We always do. We are an amazing pair. We are so lucky and blessed to have one another. Who would have thought that almost twelve years later we'd be here? Izzy's Deli, across the street from the hospital is where we went the night we first met. And just up the street on 16th and Washington is where I grew up. Santa Monica is so familiar and nostalgic for me every time I come back so I am glad you are where you are because it makes it that much more fun to visit you.

As you always say, "there will always be others who have it worse off than we do." So considering that, we are very lucky! I can't wait to finally see you and speak to you again on Saturday. Until then my love.

With everlasting love,

Sweety

*The song "Elaborate Lives" is from the 2000 Broadway musical Aida with music by Elton John and Tim Rice. This song reminded me of Brett's love letter because in the show, the two main characters, Aida and Radames, are powerfully singing about their love yet they are forbidden to be together due to circumstances out of their control. They wish that things could just be simple but they have to face a huge sacrifice in order to follow their hearts. Luckily, our sacrifice is not as dramatic and very temporary but while we are in the midst of it, there are a lot of emotional feelings to deal with. Not only do we miss our usual lives together as a married couple, but there is a lot of concern for the health of our babies which is the number one priority. Brett and I continue to focus on the twins and are counting the days until we can all be together at home as a family!

The day we moved in together

Brett at home with Mixie

"The New World" - Songs for a New World

New year. New adventure. New life (in more ways than one). So, I assumed that New Year's Eve would not be too fun being chained to a hospital bed, but I quickly realized that I had the power to help change that fate. For the past several days, I have been trying to figure out a way for all of my other moms on bed rest to be able to get to finally meet, while counting down to the new year. This is a little difficult when everyone is bed ridden and lack of space is an issue. In addition, we would need the help of several nurses to orchestrate such an event so that everyone can be moved to one centralized location. I was told by many nurses that this plan could be thwarted if they were too busy with deliveries or our doctor did not approve of us being off of our monitors. Plus, the one social room they had for this potential party was pretty small with no TV to watch. I quickly volunteered my own room to start to eliminate anymore answers resembling the word "no." The other moms also began sweet talking their nurses and a positive buzz was beginning to form around the hospital.

In addition to wanting to meet these other women, it was very important for me to not be alone or sad this New Year's Eve. Because my husband and I thought we were invincible, we opted to not get the travel insurance for our cruise which meant that we would not be getting our money back or any kind of credit towards a future cruise, regardless of my medical condition. I had gotten over the fact that I would not be going but was frustrated that we stupidly didn't pay extra for the insurance. After several emails and phone calls to the cruise line, the one compromise that was offered was that my husband could attend with a different passenger instead of me. Brett was a little hesitant because he did not want to leave me in my condition and knew that if he went, his mind would not be in vacation mode while he missed me not being there as originally planned. I quickly reassured him that I would be fine and encouraged him to go on the cruise. He was in desperate need of a vacation after dealing with so much stress and it would have been a pity to pay fully for a trip that we were not even going on. Luckily, his Mom was available to join him on the cruise in my place and the packing began. Saying goodbye was hard but I told him that he needs to focus on having fun and to not be worried about me. This is the first New Year's Eve in twelve years that we were not going to be together so it was very sad to think that I would not get to kiss my husband at the stroke of midnight, especially at a time when I needed that kiss more than ever.

Before Brett left on the cruise, he anticipated that my New Year's Eve party plan would happen so he got a bunch of decorations and New Year's paraphernalia for my room. We shared an early New Year's kiss before he left and I started back into my party planning mode to distract myself from Brett being gone for a week, and to hopefully solidify plans for a very fun night. The day shift nurses were able to talk to the doctor and got his blessing to allow this party, as long as we were all safe and the other patients in the ward were taken care of. Once the nurses for the night shift came on, it was clear that they had barely any deliveries and it would be in fact a slow night. My night nurse helped get my room prepped for the party and cleared the way for several beds to fit. At 11:30pm, the moms started to be wheeled in with their husbands, family, and friends and we finally met in person after chatting on Facebook for over a week. We watched the ball drop, drank sparkling cider, and ultimately shared a special connection and experience that none of us ever anticipated for this New Year's celebration. We all had other plans that quickly went by the wayside once our lives were interrupted, but the alternative made spending New Year's at the hospital a completely memorable time. All of us shared the same happy thought that 2012 would be the year that we will finally get to meet our babies for the first time.

*The song "The New World" from the 1995 Off-Broadway musical Songs for a New Worldis the powerful opening number in the show which talks about how one moment can change your life forever, hence creating a "new world." For myself, I thought this new world would begin once the babies were born which I was fully aware of and expecting. Instead, I was given an additional new world to deal with in between that completely took me by surprise. I was "suddenly a stranger" but quickly adapted and made new friends to help cope with the less than ideal situation. We not only celebrated the new year ahead but also celebrated our strength and the positive opportunities that were coming out of this world we discovered. I have really learned to let go of expectations and welcome the challenges that may come my way. Like the famous quote says, "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it," and I needed to ensure that my response would be nothing but positive for the health of my babies and my own well-being.

Decorations in my room

It's gonna be a happy new year!

"30/90" - tick, tick...BOOM!

I never in a million years imagined my 30th birthday being celebrated in a hospital room with me lying down the entire day. The original plan was a few crazy nights in Las Vegas followed by a week long cruise to Mexico..I like to "go big or go home." Regardless of the change of plans, I was going to stay positive and make the best of my new situation. I did have a lot of people lined up to come visit me and that made me feel a whole lot better. The day seemed to go by so quickly and when friends or family had to eventually leave I wished that I could have them a few minutes longer. Even though I was stuck in bed, there were still a lot of fun activities going on. My brother brought a karaoke machine so I got to sing a few songs (lying down), there were numerous presents for me to open, plus I got some yummy cakes and food brought in as well. I only wished that I could blow out candles on my cake but since we are in a hospital room with oxygen coming out of the walls, that was not an option. But it would have made my birthday party pretty smoking hot!

The highlight of the day was when my doctor surprised me with an ultrasound in order for us to finally find out the sexes of our babies. He was supposed to check last Wednesday on the 21st but got sidetracked when he saw my cervix and I had to rush to the hospital. Now on my birthday he was giving me the greatest gift of all and it brought so much joy to finally know what our future had in store. Like my husband and I originally planned, we had our doctor write down in a card the results because Brett was still on his way to the hospital and could not be there while the ultrasound was being performed. I eagerly waited for Brett to arrive so that we could find out together. He finally got to the hospital and we opened the card which revealed that we were having exactly what we were praying for...a boy and a girl! Brett's reaction to seeing the results inside of the card reminded me of our wedding day about 3 1/2 years ago when he saw me for the first time in my dress. He was so happy and overcome with emotion and I think that the next time he has that kind of reaction will be when our children are born. I can't wait to see that look on his face again because it is so authentic and sweet.

After the excitement passed and all of the party guests left, it turned midnight making it not my birthday anymore. Then I started to get the birthday blues. Turning 30 is such a milestone and with twins on the way I feel like my life is officially starting such a new and different chapter. For nearly 12 years I have been with my husband and it has just been the two of us. So much has happened throughout our relationship and this latest occurrence is bitter sweet. We are finally starting a family but for the last several months before that officially happens, we have to be apart and live separate lives while he takes care of the day-to-day tasks with his job and our apartment. He visits as much as possible but selfishly I wish he could be here 24/7 because I miss him so much.

Other than just missing my husband and my former life before bed rest, I can't help but think about what my thirties will be like. My twenties were pretty typical of others...the college experience, moving out on my own, getting married, securing a career, etc. Now my thirties will be all about starting a family and raising the children. I guess some people turning 30 might not have a plan yet (not married, no set career, no kids, etc.), so I am very grateful to have a clear path that I am in the process of preparing for. I really do feel like a full blown adult now and this experience in the hospital is kicking my butt by forcing me to let go of my "wild and fancy free" twenties lifestyle. Even though my path is pretty clear, there is always that element of surprise and not truly knowing what will happen which is scary and exciting all at the same time. Life changes in the blink of an eye and everyone has the choice whether to embrace the change or run from it. I choose to embrace it.

*The song "30/90" is from the 2001 Off-Broadway musical tick, tick...BOOM!which is actually an autobiographical show about Jonathan Larson (creator of Rent). Jonathan wrote the show and performed it solo in 1990 which was the year he turned 30...hence the song title "30/90." In 2001, the show was revamped and became very successful during its run, now using a three person cast. Jonathan wrote the show at a time in his life when he was at a crossroads. Should he continue to follow his dream and write music or should he quit so that he could make more money at a 9-5 job and start a family like all of his other peers? Thankfully for us, he chose music but unfortunately it was short-lived due to his untimely death in 1996 from an aortic aneurysm. In the song "30/90," Jonathan talks about how turning the age of 30 can be extremely scary especially when you don't know exactly what the future holds. I really relate to this song because even though I do have my life pretty much set in place, everything has the ability to change just like that. You go to a doctor's appointment one minute and then the next, you are being admitted to a hospital for a four month stay. Or more seriously in Jonathan's case, your musical Rent is on the brink of opening and becoming one of the most successful Broadway shows of all time...but then you drop dead in your kitchen from an undetected medical condition. Fear of the unknown will always be there but you cannot live your life with constant worry. Live your life with this quote in mind: "No day but today."

Searching for the sexes

The big reveal!

"I Want It All" - Baby

December 21st, 9:00pm, Pacific Standard Time, from here on in I shoot without a script... At this moment I realized that the quote "we plan, God laughs" was going to be my new mantra from now on. Just an hour earlier life was as it should be. I was attending yet another routine ultrasound with my husband to view our twins of 19 weeks and we were so exited about the upcoming activities and events on our schedule. First, on December 23rd we would be driving to Palm Springs to celebrate Christmas/Hanukkah with the family. Then on December 26th I would turn the big 3-0 and we were going to drive to Las Vegas for a couple more days of fun and celebration. To top that all off we were then going to hop on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera from December 31st-January 7th to complete the "Dirty Thirty Birthday Celebration Extravaganza" (aka Babymoon). With our schedule so filled up, what could possibly go wrong?!?!? Oh yeah...the twins wanted to pop out and join us!

We are at our ultrasound appointment eagerly awaiting our doctor to begin so that he can find out what the sexes of the babies are, then secretly write it down in a card which would be opened exactly at midnight on December 26th (my birthday) for the big reveal. More planning for God to then laugh at. Instead, our doctor quickly noticed something was very wrong and that is when the party ended. My cervix was deemed "incompetent," I was having contractions without feeling a thing, and I was getting close to losing both babies if we didn't act fast. We were instructed to go directly to the hospital...do not pass go...do not collect $200. I was informed that this would be my new home for the next four months.

To help rid my mind of the potential danger that my unborn babies were in, I naturally started focusing on the superficial tragedies that were completely of no meaning or importance at all. What about our upcoming vacations? Will we get our money back for the cruise if we can't go? Why didn't we purchase the traveler's insurance?!? My birthday is ruined! What am I going to do about work? Disability will only pay a portion of my salary! Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah...STOP! As my late mother would have said..."rich man's problems." Luckily, my rock (hubby) brought me back to reality to start focusing on what was really important which I was trying to avoid thinking about because of how extremely scared I was.

It took us two long years of patience, frustration, and expensive fertility drugs to finally get pregnant. You would think that we would be cut some slack after all we had already been through. How could I be so close to losing these angels that I prayed so hard for? I felt like I was in a bad Lifetime movie that I was unfortunately starring in. We finally arrived at the hospital, took a deep breath, and a leap of faith.

*The song "I Want It All" is from the 1983 Broadway musical Babywhere pregnant women are singing about how they want to have a baby but also have everything else they want in life as well, which is hard once your child takes priority. This song really rang true for me because I was trying to cram in so many fun experiences before the babies were born. I wanted it all and knew that would not be possible come April/May so I booked up my schedule. Little did I know that the twins had a different plan for me and I had to let go of wanting it all because from the moment I became pregnant, they became the number one priority. Most Moms are able to get a lot out of their system before the baby comes and then shift their focus once the birth happens. This would not be my story due to the circumstances but the reward in the end will be completely worth it. Once those babies are born, I will truly have it all and nothing else will matter.

Best news ever!